Finding Balance in Motherhood

When I was a young woman of twenty-something, I felt so liberated, so filled with promise—yes, the world was there for me.  Any dreams I had for my career, relationship, or even marriage seemed attainable through living my life based on the belief that as long as you keep making continuous efforts toward your goals.  And I did achieve so many of my dreams—a great husband and marriage, happy & healthy children, a beautiful home in the most empowering place to live, NYC!  What is there to complain about?

Yet recently, I found myself feeling depressed.  My days were like a bullet train going from home to my children’s schools, doctor’s appointments, the grocery store, the drug store, or any store you name (there is always something we need), and my life felt empty and unfulfilled.

Being a mother was one thing.  But, I never knew that motherhood was such an incredibly challenging task—a 24 hour-shift, seven days a week with no break.  Motherhood is a one-way trip; you cannot go back, you can only go forward.  In taking care of my daughters, I started to spend less and less time on myself; my name was the last on my list.  I was obsessed with how my kids should be, swamping myself in parenting-skill publications, spending a fortune on educational toys and taking them to New York City’s best toddler music class.  My datebook was filled with play dates and birthday parties.  Those activities kept me really busy, but they also kept me from having my own life.

Not that I could ever live my life separately from my children; the problem was my attitude.  I was becoming more and more easily defeated.  A voice echoed in me like a Greek chorus: You can’t do this.  You can’t do that now.  You can’t read more than 10 minutes.  You can’t go out at night without making child-care arrangements.  You can’t finish writing your novel.  My children became my excuse for not challenging myself to the fullest as I used to as a young woman.  My passion for my own life and dreams evaporated as I gave myself permission to sit back and give up.  And the worst is, through my own example, I may have been teaching my daughters this is how we should live our lives.

Is there a middle-ground for handling the incredible work of motherhood and other aspects of my life?

“For me, there was not quite a middle-ground, honestly—it was more like a zigzag,” said one of mother friends, about raising her three beautiful children.  I thought about that—a zigzag—and something clicked in me.

There is no middle ground.  I’ve just been stuck!  Rather than focusing on something I can’t find, what I’ve needed is to focus fully and more precisely on each role I perform in my life, whether as a mother or an aspiring writer.  Whichever role I play, I have to live in the moment and commit to that role wholeheartedly.  And even more, I should not limit myself to just those two, but have a brief that I have the potential to be many more things.  I may no longer have the unlimited time I used to enjoy, but I am now training myself to live in the moment more than ever.  And whenever those bad moments hit me, I tell myself, ‘Never give up’ and pick myself up again.  

The following poem titled “Life” by Daisaku Ikeda (a Japanese philosopher, educator, and poet), which I have cherished since college, will sum up my new direction of life I love to take on:

“I’ve put behind me

the age of just dreaming about a rosy future

and, with roots extended into life’s reality,

I realize that the power to create happiness

derives from what we actually do today.”

Published under a “Perspective” column in World Tribune (Feb.18, 2005)